Chops
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2007-02-01T01:58:31Z
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Many visitors to Saltsburg are greeted by the beautifully renovated Canal Walk. Along the walk, tourists are entertained by Saltsburg's resident scholar, Chops. Chops is best known for single handedly lifting the Saltsburg Trojans to the 1966 NFL championship, all the while being a high school team. Chops followed up this feat by going to Vietnam and infiltrating the Viet Cong. Unfortunately, the Viet Cong quickly saw through this subterfuge and proceeded to brainwash Chops, leaving him in a permanently vegitative state. In 1989, the People's Republic of Vietnam agreed to release Chops in exchange for back issues of Playgirl magazine and a pirated copy of "Good Morning Vietnam."
Upon his return to Saltsburg, Chops quickly asserted himself as borough dictator. He dissolved the police force and installed himself as sole lawman, much like nineteenth century sherrifs. Although Chops' law enforcement tequniques were often criticized, he did manage to curb violent crime by 45%. Eventually, Chops would found the first minimal security prison in Saltsburg, located in the back stock room of the town's Shop 'N Save. Unfortunately, the prison would be forced to close in July, 2002 due to heavy flooding and unproven accusations of biogenic weapon construction.
In recent years, Chops has become more and more eccentric. In 2000, he was relieved of his dictatorial duties by the decree of the 45th Saltsburg Borough Council Convention. He has spent the following years wandering throughout the town, acting as Saltsburg's unofficial Ambassador to the United Nations. You can often find him at the corner of the Quick Pick Citgo and the Saltsburg bridge or outside the laundrymat on Salt Street. During times of increased traffic, Chops assumes the position of town crossing guard, often causing near fatal accidents in the process.
In his most recent interview, Chops appeared delirious and disconnected. He muttered several unintelligable phrases during the exchange and made several unsubstantiable and highly unlikely claims. One such claim was that Chops dined with hitler and elvis at a benefit concert for a 27th century brothel run by Billy Dee Williams. He claims that he has time travel abilities and has already proceeded forward in time to prevent armageddon. Only time, or perhaps Chops himself, can tell us what lies in his and the town's future.